2012, just a long story

2012, it will leave us. And with the upcoming of 2013, all the stories of 2012 will be our precious memories. Even they are good or not, they are our's, saved permanently in our mind and become our guidance to face the things that we call as future.

2012, not only a year that Mayan people predicted the destruction of this planet, but also a year brought the destruction of my emotions..It full of time when i hit the bottom. Time when i felt alone and all my own philosophy left behind by my own-self. The time of up and down.

2012, so many things i wished. So many things i hoped. So many things i wanted. But so many things i missed, which i cannot reached it anymore this year. My skinny arm work hard to drive my hand to that light and fluffy dream but only my finger could reached the end of it while my palm stuck and cried loud when it cannot gasp what in front of it.

2012, not just one entry, a blog also not enough to keep a whole story since the sunrise of 1 Jan 2012 until the sunset of 31 December 2012. So i will keep them in my simple mind or better in my complicated brain for myself. For this entry, i just want to share the big events that give me a new idea of life. And maybe will help you.

1) [Ice Skating, a dream just be a dream]

I really sad with this one. In 2011, i went to sunway piramid to discuss a project with my friends and at there, i saw the place for ice skating. I was excited with that..but.Unfortunately, i didn't have chance to play ice skate at that time because i've ran out of time. Then, i made a wish to go there in 2012. I kept this dream and always think about it. However, this year (2012), my friends and i were really busy to go there until the final. Finally, after final, my friends went there but i was left behind, alone in my room. I got some financial problem at that time (i will tell later). But nothing we can do. Only hold my own feeling, secretly,and just able to see all my friends enjoy the thing that i've been dream about for a year. I just hope i can play ice skating with them... in that time..in 2012. But that impossible to happen when 2012 will be nothing but just a history.

2)[ About three months with no money at Bangi, Selangor]

Okay, for this one, i'm very2 sick and hopeless. Actually i should get allowances from Mara every month for this whole year. At the first, everything was all right. For the first sem, nothing unfortunate happen. But then, at the month of September 2012, (which is a third month of second sem ) i realized that the amount of money in my account quite subnormal. It's look like Mara did not give me allowances anymore. I ask my coordinator programme about it, and he said to me to be patient about it because Mara always bank in late for bsn user like me. So, i just wait until the third of week in September. 

Nothing happen, the amount of money at my account did not increase, though it always decrease because i need to use it to survive at there. Until there are nothing at my account.... I really out of money at the end of September. There are nothing i can do, my parent not rich, so i don't want to bother them with this. I met again my coordinator to discuss about my allowance and he say he will ask Mara. With no money, i just can borrow my friends' money at that  difficult time. With that, i only able to eat a little. Yes, i just eat the cheapest food to survive. A rice with fried egg for lunch- rm2.30 and meggie for dinner. 

Don't look it easy, can u imagine how to live with only eat these food EVERYDAY for THREE MONTHS?? Jngn ckap 'elehh orang palestine lagi susah,kadang2 xdpt makan lngsng.' Try la korang msuk dlm kasut aku, merengek-rengek nk minta kasut korang balik! I only can see my friends eat foods i'm not affort to eat for these whole time. Sometime, not..Always... there is someone in my room always made fun of it and scoffed me whenever i eat meggie every day. Dude, aku terasa tau kau ejek aku cmtu selalu. But, i look calm, like i'm okay with all of this. I don't want to show my feeling to everyone. hrmmm, back to my coordinator. He used to send email to Mara, but Mara just being their best in ignorant part. How could they ignore my coordinator's email?? How could they ignore my suffer?

Nothing i can do, with a lot of project and upcoming final at that time, i cannot spend my time to make any move about it. I try call Mara often, but like usual, Mara always suck when it is about calling the office. Everyone know it. It hard to get them in phone but once u get it, they will pass it each other until u run out of kredit. Nice!! so, i survived for three months to eat just nasi telur & meggie until i finished my final. After final, i focus to settle it by myself. I cannot depend on my coordinator anymore. I go bsn to ask about it, and then Mara Office. Btw, i would like to thank my friends that sometime spend their money to buy a better food for me. Ada la 2-3 kali dpt rasa ayam dlm tiga bulan tu sbb belas ihsan diorang ni :') .

3) [ Ielts test ]

After trial spm, i've offered a programme called spc under MARA. With this programme, i should study foundation in science & technology one year, degree one year in local institute and continue another three years at oversea. However, MARA put some  requirements before we can continue abroad. Which is we need to get cgpa 3.00 & band 6.5 or above in Ielts test ( International English Language Test Scheme ). 

For me, the second requirement are very tough because i know my english is not good. No, it's not just 'not good', it's more very2 bad. Even my pmr & spm i failed to get A. However, i still take this risk. I said to my self, i will pass it this time, no matter what.

Struggle and work hard in english and everythings...i hope with this, i can show people that student who bad in english also can succeed with hardwork. My friends, especially my roomate at unikl always help me in english everyday. Thats was a blessing when i have support from them, i thought :').

But then, sky is not always bright.... 3 days before 2012 end, my result was released, and guess what.. I'm not pass that MARA's requirement. So, with it, i cannot continue my study at oversea. People might ask me, it is a waste for me to struggle 2 years and it just end up like this..? Fail, am i a failure? Once time ago a girl said to me, she was a failure because of what happened around her..I just convinced her that was very not true. And now, i was in that shoe, i failed after i have struggled over 2 years. But i think i should not take back what i've said to her.You are not a failure as long as you keep going and try the best. Now all that words are for me. I'm glad my life quite difficult so i can be tougher than others. Thats all..

So, 2012 will end and 2013 will come. What a surprise ending of 2012... i fail to continue my study in New Zealand and now i have no place to proceed my study. Honestly, i don't see where my 2013 will head and go, but i believe with this down, i will stand up again. Just like what happen on 28feb2009. Wish me luck guys :)


khairudin marzuki said...

Dol, those 2 years that u had experienced,there is not a single day was a waste.. you definitely gain something everyday.. Knowledge, friendship,good and bad things, skills and experienced that u gained and improvised throughout the years.. that is not a waste. We might lose an extremely good opportunity that we could ever had in our life,it pain and really depressing, but as long as we still alive there is still a possibility that we can received the opportunity again. Just keep our pace and continued to be a better one. Someday, when it comes we surely have what it take to redo it properly.

i bet you really thought a lot about whats wrong and whats right,didnt you?

You might began to questioned whether what you had chose before is a good thing or not. But for real, there is no correct answer. We never know what will happen to us , resulted as the consequences of each and every decision we had. Its a vague thing because no on can really predict what will be happen next.

Therefore, everyone is right. Everything has a meaning. Even every bit of evil and misery serves a meaning to make mankind better than their former self. Just dont forget that and lead a life by having peace with our past. surely u will get what is best for you.

HMDK said...

Thanks khairudin~ That's just so true :')

cik denn said...

2012 was a hard time for you...but, never give up alright, twin? you always have my support.. although we rarely met. :)

i'm hoping 2013 has so much wonderful things to offer for us.. :)

p/s: counting to our birthday.. ;)

HMDK said...

Orite~ Arigatao twin..:)
Yeahh..xsabar nk msuk 20tahun bulan depan :D