Nightmare


-Warning- -Mature Contain-

Hello there~

Have you ever had a nightmare? 
A scary nightmare when you sleep and it wake you up with full of sweats on your body?
You wake up and still can remember how scary they are.
Make you afraid to get into your bed again.
Sometimes you cry when you remember that nightmare.
It's scary. Besause it is nightmare..Yes, It is a Nightmare.


How if we put our life as a dream. Or we are sleep as we live in real life? Have you ever had nightmare?? i believe all people will have their own nightmare.
Mine? What was my nightmare?

It was when i was in elementary school. Meanwhile, my class planned to have a trip to Petrosains in KLCC. A study trip. I was quite excited with it since i was really into any science stuffs. But there are something i was afraid about it. When teacher said that we need to pay for this trip, my gut broke. The excitement went off. The thing i scare happened. The rule is, who pay will go, and who cannot pay, stay in class. That was bullshit because the trip was in school day. So people who don't go to the trip, will stay in class or will be entered in another class for a day.


My family not afford to pay for the trip and i was not shock with it since i already knew about it. My family is not like another family in my class. We have financial problems. My mother just a nasi lemak seller. And for us, even rm5, it is very valuable and hard to find. Sometimes i got jelous with my friend. But i never told anybody how i feel. Up until now.


So, when the day came, i didn't went to that trip. There were only two pupil. Me and my friend. He got another problem. So teacher asked us to entered another class for that day as they went to trip in KLCC. Did anyone in my class care about what i feel? How awful to be left behind? How's damn to be discriminated by family background? 


In another class, that's another problem..Another pupils talked behind. They were saying about i'm not afford to pay so i need to stay in their class while my other classmates enjoyed in KLCC. Do you know how hurt it is?


So, that was my nightmare. How i wish it just a nightmare in a sleep, not in my real life. The nightmare in real life are more awful than in sleep because it will give huge impact to real life. For me, it make me grew in low profile... not low profile that in good term. it is in bad term..when i'm with another people, i will feel how low i am. i will think 'who i am?'. what is my family background, compared to other. And it is really awful!! I try not to think like that but how? i used to be discriminated because of it. TT_TT

And i became like an antisocial. I don't like to social with other since i already know i just alone. 

oh..btw, i miss my ex. She is the one who ever make me feel i'm not alone. But that was a whole different story. And that story end with i realized i'm really just a foreveralone. And that is me. I used to be alone and i will be happy with it.

Reflect.. It's me, who is alone.


Meanwhile, i realized.. i'm just like at the middle of this video. I wonder if i can end up like the last part of this video. 




Deep inside, i'm just so sure there will be no such happy ending. For me.



Reflect-Hatsune Miku

The ugly you in my mirror
I wonder when you will be allowed
You were already so used to being alone
Your connection to everyone was distant

The ugly you in my mirror
I wonder when you will be allowed
Saying “I do not need happiness”
All the rights were abandoned

The ugly you in my mirror
I wonder when you will be allowed
Saying “I do not have courage to die”
All the responsibility was accepted

While saying I want to die
I’m still living this way
By living, you are hurting someone

You, who are loved by no one
You, who appeal to no one is-
that’s right,
 -alone

While screaming with a big voice
You lost the sound of you heartbeat
Even still,
It did not
Reach anyone’s ears

While letting out a sigh
You forgot the way of your breathing
Even still,
It did not
Reach anyone’s ears

The ugly you in my mirror
I wonder when you will be allowed
You don’t want to be avoided so
Even you abandoned your own self

The ugly you in my mirror
I wonder when you will be allowed
You’ll never be loved so
Even you accepted your own self

I don’t need anyone, I am tough
I still cry, far and beyond
You are living, but nobody notices

You, who can beloved by no one
You, who can be appealed to no one is-
that’s right,
-alone

While the dazzling light grows dark
You forgot the way of your own outline
Even still,
It did not
Stop at anyone’s eyes

You beat up the dirty mirror
Because meeting me was a horrible thing
Even still
It did not
Stop at anyone’s eyes

As always, it was a rainy night
And I walked without putting my umbrella
From fear that the houses boarder will leak numbers in warm light

At the bottom of the streetlamps light
The puddle reflects light
There was an obvious reflection there
It was you, It was me
That’s right
I was alone

I was hearing nothing because my ears were blocked
I checked the sound of my heartbeat
I see now
Why it won’t
Reach anyone’s ears

I noticed that I had actually been breathing
I had only been holding a big breath
I see now
Why it won’t
Reach anyone’s ears

I opened my blinded eyes
And I saw my ugly figure
I see now
Why I had never
Harmonized with anyone’s eyes

I collected broken pieces
And I faced you for the first time
I see now
Why I had never
Harmonized with anyone’s eyes

I see now
I was….alone