DriveForce

First class for this semester,, and lecturer talked about DriveForce. Put in the simple words, it's something that keep you strong. I remember back once ago (or maybe still until now? ) there was an Angel. She's my DriveForce. She's the reason I changed. She's the reason I become someone so determinant. Someone from a loser-nervous-coward-crybaby into someone who grasp his shaking hand, stand in front everybody confidently-someone who wiped his tear,  fight with all what he's got-someone who stand again every time he fell.
Everytime I hit the bottom, just think about her made me stood on my feet again. I don't know where the storyline should be start. 

28/2 five years ago, I confessed to this one girl. It was my first confession and it took all my courage to do it. Though I got rejected but I was so glad I finally split out what I've been hidden so many years. It cannot be help. I always thought my best friend deserve her more than anyone. They have been gossiped together in our class. And I just can feel they had feeling to each other. She's the prettiest girl and he's a smart student completed with sport talent, also coming from good family.

Yeah, and that girl is the Angel that I mentioned. My DriveForce.
You know, it is normal for someone to have crush but everytime I got crush, I just ignored it because I realized I dont have courage to say it and the feeling will fade away. But I fall for this girl more than anyone before, and get a little crazy. When I get an offer to transfer school, I wasl so afraid. What will happened to this feeling? Should I just keep on being a loser who so afraid to fight for himself? I know that I have zero chance but still, it was my true feeling. I was fighting with myself. The fight that I always lose.
But thank you Angel, because I fall in love with you, I manage to win this fight for the first time. Without this strong feeling, I wont be able to do this impossible stuff. Without that, I wont be able to fight my pathetic self.
And that's why I call her Angel. She's also one of special persons in my life. 

Me after that confession is the new me. I challenge my ownself in that new school. I know what I did at there are just the normal things for other student, but for me, it was an improvement that what I always tried so hard to achive. My hand, my leg still shaking, wavering like a hell, but this time, even with that condition, I still go in front of my class and talked confidently. I also manage to talked with girls. Fyi, I never try to talk with girls because talking to this species make me doki2. I still remember, the first girl I try to talk by my ownself is Sis. The pathetic me also manage to represent my school in Basketball tournament, became a homeroom president and other stuff2. And that new me also got a girlfriend after graduation there~ huhh all of that just a normal thing, right.? But for me, it's not that easy. Everytime I feel down or need motivation, I will think about this Angel. And I will feel some spirit on myself. The spirit that push me to keep fighting. And that's what we call DriveForce, people.




But life is not that easy, right? Right? 
If you think all of that ended well, then the fairy tale is really exist.
Put it straight, I fall in love --> I confessed and get rejected --> I changed into someone have full determination --> end??
Of course not! 
After I be the new me, I tried so hard to achieve my dream. I studied hard and finally I was offered to continue my study in oversea. I keep struggle to prove myself that I can do it. But then, everything wont happened like we planned. Bad things happened one by one. I fail to proceed my study abroad. The study debt strike me. I lost the girl that I love. I keep being rejected from applying other local university. My study died. I put a shame on my parent's face. People around me laughed, called me liar. And the worst part is nobody really understand me. Nobody really care enough... Heart broke.... And I try to kill myself on that day.

Well, you see? Life isn't that beautiful, right? Right??
I tried so hard but still fail.
Years ago, I changed into someone better because of Angel. But at the end, I changed back into someone worse . Worst then the first me. I've been negative. All my determination lost. My motivation is zero.
Now, I'm in a local university, taking a course that not what I've applied. 

Yeah, about Angel. Last weekend,same date, 28/2/2014 , I tried to text her.. I don't know, She has been my DriveForce during my Anjakan Paradikma so I sure that I can get motivation if I talked to her. But as usual, we only text a little and I got ignored. And as usual, I will text a wish for good luck and never give up. I understand that it's annoying to get that kind of text from someone who you dn't really care but the reason I treat & cheering on people because I hope there will be someone cheering on me too. But yeah, Angel just ignored that message. And then, I realized....this is what always happen. Am I really the only one care? DriveForce?? With this kind of thing happened, I dn't really sure how this driveforce will effect anymore... But if Angel is not my driveforce anymore, I still hope I can be her DriveForce. Though she's never care about me, she's still the one helped me in the past.

So Now, Do I have Drive Force? 
I dn't really know..but there is one thing I always hold. Everytime I fall, everytime I scared, everytime I down, I'll say, "Keep matching forward, you must graduate with Vice Chancellor Award, be the best, no 1 in my course when graduate and be a great Engineer. This is the only way you can face you Ex and stand in front of her and prove that you're not a loser like once you used to be". Maybe this is my DriveForce. ( ? ) (about my ex, it is a whole different story..) And I know I need to beat my ownself again. Even it mean I start from scratch again.