Dua Lima

Selamat Hari Tua orang tua.

Sebab semakin hari, semakin senja diri ini. Dan semakin jelas cerita Tuhan pada diri ini.
Sedar tak sedar, sedikit demi sedikit rangkap & melodi yang digila2kan satu ketika dulu mulai masuk akal.

Terima kasih Tuhan utk rezeki dibangunkan semula setiap pagi. Sungguh Tuhan itu, baiknya keterlaluan sehingga aku sendiri malu bila terus menerus diberi peluang & anugerah utk terus bernafas.

Untuk kisah penceritaan yang masih belum bernoktah dan assignment2 hidup yg masih belum disiapkan ini...semoga orang tua ini terus kuat membanting tulang empat kerat dan mampu memerah segala isi otaknya. Dua lima ini belajar utk jadi lebih memahami, lebih matang dan lebih terbuka.

Al-fatihah pada masa yang dulu.

Wise man

Recently I figured out

That wise man is not wise at all.

Who've said "Saving someone mean you save yourself"..?

There's no such thing.

It is "Save yourself so you can save someone".

Who've said "Everybody is going to hurt you. You just need to find the one who worth suffering for." ..?

There's no such thing.

It is "Nobody worth for the suffering and your hurt even your ownself".

Nyawa ke-sembilan

Untuk kalian yang turut dalam kelam,
ini buat kalian.

Hati yang di dalam nya derita
Di selembungi sepi dan gelita
perlahan-lahan tenggelam dalam kegelapan
dan tiada lagi gemerlapan 

Hati yang dibiarkan mati tanpa ada simpati
Jasad yang separuh lumpuh tanpa tanda sembuh
Hanya mampu memerhati dgn mata hati
lubang sendiri, digali sendiri.

Jiwa kosong dari nawaitu
Namun sarat dengan kutu-kutu
Masih tercari-cari Yang Maha Satu
Namun dibiarkan menduga-duga yang mana satu

Siapa yang sudi mendengar kalian?
Cuba memahami tulisan kalian?

Mungkin puisi sakti dari bisikan hati,
satu-satunya nafas yang kalian punya.
Mungkin nukilan utk kali ke-sembilan,
nyawa terakhir yang kalian punya.

Untuk kalian yang turut dalam kelam,
Damai lah dalam lena yang diam
Mayat yang dibiar kesepian
Ini buat kalian

Sound track Di Kampus Induk Itu

During my degree study, my friends try to make a song from my poem 'Di Kampus Induk Itu'. The song was not really recorded properly but somehow I feel like to share it. So, let watch this :)

Full Poem: Di Kampus Induk Itu.

Di Kampus Induk Itu - Pra 

[Video on youtube : click]

Di Kampus Induk Itu - Pasca
[Video on youtube : click]

This poem was written about my best friend in university that I met in the hall during the early days of my degree study. Thank you for being my friend and helping me. ^__^
I will write more about it later.

Thank you for listening~ :)

A song to myself

Kembali - Bunkface

Aku yang bersalah Aku memang gila Tapi pada Yang Esa

ADVERTISING

inRead invented by Teads

Ku berserah Kau sama sahaja Seperti mereka Hanya gilakan nama Tiada lagi cinta Peluklah rasalah Melodi ku di udara Untukmu Biarlah ku melepaskan dia pergi Selamanya nanti dia kembali Dia kembali padaku Dengarlah kataku Aku bukan begitu Walau aku berdosa Aku masih percaya Ku akan doakan Kau temui jalan Ku harap kita jumpa Satu hari di sana Peluklah rasalah Melodi ku di udara Untukmu Untukmu Biarlah ku melepaskan dia pergi Selamanya nanti dia kembali Dia kembali padaku Selagi aku berpijak Atas bumi yang gila ini Akan ku sampaikan Ada hidup selepas kau mati Biarlah ku melepaskan dia pergi Selamanya nanti dia kembali Dia kembali padaku Biarlah ku melepaskan dia pergi Selamanya nanti dia kembali Dia kembali padaku Kembali... Kembali... Kembali...

Yang lebih perit

Kerana apa yang lebih perit,
adalah melihat jasad sendiri dibiar mati perlahan-lahan,
tanpa simpati.
Aku jatuh dalam sepasang kain hitam
merintih pada tuhan minta dikesian,
Lumpuh, dalam kalimah tuhan yang cuba-cuba menenangkan.
.
Rabbi yassir wala tu'assir, rabbi tammim bil khayr.

-cahaya-

Bekal

Dulu dulu masa kecil
Paling gembira
Waktu rehat
Bila buka beg skolah
Ada bekal dri ibu
Ibu takpernh lupa

Bila di menara gading
Semua sendiri
Tapi tadi
Bila periksa semula
Ada satu bekal dlm beg
Berisi doa ibu

Belajar

Pokok cempedak sudah pn berbuah

Tapi buahnya itu tumbuh di bawah

Mengapa dijolok dengan galah?

Bukankah alat itu jelas salah?


Orang lain minta ditunjuk diajar

Kau bodoh sombong taknak belajar

Mereka seluruh dunia dh pn berlegar

Kau masih terperangkap dalam pagar

Gugur

Kenapa pautkan sayang dan kasih

Pada sebatang pokok?

Bukankah lebih sakit hati

Bila esok kemarau

Dia gugurkan segala rasa itu ?

Cinta si dia dan Dia

Dulu hati dua ini selalu bersama menari
Asyiknya mencipta kenangan dan memori
Pernah aku sangka kau bidadari
Dan cinta kau itu yg aku cari cari

Tapi cinta kau itu hanya mawar berduri
Yang kau tinggalkan utk harga diri

Demi cinta Ilahi yang kau baru sedari
Kau cuba ajar aku berdiri sendiri

Tapi aku pilih untuk menyendiri

Dan aku salahkan Dia yang Maha Pemberi
Hingga aku lupakan asal diri
Terus aku biarkan kaki tangan aku tergari

Dan aku potong bukan satu tapi lima jari 

Tanpa lima itu semakin hitamlah hari hari

Hingga aku sedar yang aku tak mampu lagi berlari

Bangun jatuh bangun jatuh hingga tak mampu berdiri

Dalam gelap pada diri aku bertanya sendiri

Mampukah lagi aku hidu haruman kasturi?

Buku itu

Lebih suku buku itu kau cuba tulis sendiri
dengan pena tukang bicara sebagai ganti diri
Akhirnya kau tinggalkannya menjadi pegun dan beku
dengan pena yang dibiarkan tidak terusik kaku

namun 
dalam bilik hujung ini buku itu kau ketemu juga akhirnya

namun 
kau tahu buku begini tak pernah ada suka di muka akhirnya

namun 
juga dalam kisah duka buku itu masih belum ada akhirnya


Sebab suka duka itu kau harus tulis sendiri
peganglah kuat pena itu sambil terus berdiri
Selagi nyawa kau tak keluar dari hujung kuku
teruslah menulis kisah kau bersama dengan aku

Sang Anjing

Aku hanya makhlok Tohan seperti kau, yang hadirnya di tepian jalan,
yang terpapar di papan tanda
dan yang tersebut di dalam kitab suci Nya.
Langsung bukan dosa aku jika wujud sebagai perkara yang kau benci.

Pun begitu, carilah erti mengapa aku ada di tepi2 jalan yang kau lalui,
papan tanda yang kau tatap
dan kitab suci yang kau baca.
Benarkah aku diciptakan sebagai satu identiti yg patot kau keji?

2017

Beribu-ribu subjek dalam 2016

Yang dah dihadap dan dikunyah
Banyak juga yang dah ditelan tapi belum hadam
Dan silabus2 kehidupan yang masih belum khatam sepenuhnya
Banyak juga hal2 kehidupan yang semakin jelas depan mata

Pun begitu, alhamdulillah, kita berjaya

Terima kasih untuk masa dan tenaga, 

untuk gelak dan air mata,
untuk pengalaman dan cabaran,
untuk sudikan aku menjadi sebahagian keluarga

Semoga 2017, berjaya memanusiakan seorang Aku

Reason

My friend told me
do it for yourself
forget what's behind

-but she didn't know

Each time i walk
like a sudden flash
you come again

-since you haven't known

You're just a spark
but it's enough
to keep me going

-cause I always knew

When it's dark out
no one around
you keeps glowing

LIFE IS A JOURNEY

No matter how well I try to pick up every pieces of my ownself for these past three years, i feel there's still not enough to build the me again. Family expection, faith, friends, love & life itself, all of them were broken.
Since i was a kid, i decided to help my family. To change our life. I didnt want to see them work too hard anymore. To wake up at mid night, preaparing food & kuih2 to be sold at the morning and evening. I want them to have a break & an enough sleep just like other people. I dnt want them to worry about money anymore. I even gave up my dream to be a cartoonist and chose another passion toward science things since it has more promising future. Since then i worked really hard. More than anyone. I kept myself from causing trouble to my family. I was motivated by a lot of stories abt successful people who came from poor family. I thought i want to be like them too. So i gave all my efforts and pray to God. And i thought all of them going well. But reality hit me really hard. All things that i tried to build were broken..three years ago. I did my best but still fail in my study.and it lead to everything.
I gave my parent an expectation but then i failed it miserably. I cannot face them and put myself in room alone but they just act natural & didnt even talk abt my study just to comfort this failure guy.
I wonder where did i do wrong. Where did all my prayers go? Why other people who do sins able to lead a happy life? Why everything i hold was taken? I asked what the point im being a good person since kid.. then it's okay if stop devoting myself? Is it really okay? i even questining everything to the point i hate myself more and more. I was totally lost in everything.
And during that kind of time, i need someone who saw all my efforts to really be on my side . But then that person finally gone. And im stupidly just let her go. I thought who want a loser like me anywy.
I keep all myself. And i thought where were all my other friends during those time. Though the truth was im too afraid and I didnt knw how to spell all my trouble to them at all. I kept it alone, and kept it until i reached a breaking point.
I thought my very own life itself already end. At that time, i cannot move forward anymore. A great amount of money, efforts & times already used but i still failed. So is it okay to just end it..? Is it okay just to die? What abt my family then..?
At that very time, i found a letter hiding in my dad's locker. It's a RM45 000 debt letter i have with ---- bcause i fail my study halfway and it asked us to pay it at once just as the contract said before. And i cried very hard that time. Nobody told me that letter already came. My dad kept it from me so i wont feel guilty or terrible. I dnt knw how long i cried alone in my room that time. I tought i hve been acting tough in front of them to make them not worry but actually they are the one who act tough in front of me to make me not worry.
And promised myself to do something abt that. Eventhough all applications to try continue my study in local universities have been turned down and i only got chance to continue in ipts which i knw i cannot afford for it.... so i tried to apply directly with the authorities of local universities. I've been insulted and laughed when i told about my previous study things. But it's okay.. people love to see other's failure. And the only university that give a good respond was uitm.
At that time, i was still in pieces. Still lost my own self. But i just keep going. Some people said, keep walking on even though u give up. That exactly what i am 3 years ago. I dont hve any confident in my future and life anymore but somehow i need to move forward. First because continue my study can stop the debt collecting thing a while and second because i want to prove to that person. When i failed my study, she went abroad to continue her study. I knw i already move on when i let her go but my ego as a man say i need to become at least the best student in my new university so i can take another stair's step to be on her level.
So, after all, im not someone that other people have thought. Something like - i really want be engineer or be in an elite class. I dont look up to take that kind of future anymore because i was already not my ownself. I promised myself not to get involve with anything. Just do my own stuff and dont expect anybody. I wont put any efforts on study anymore since i realised that a good result wont be any help in the future and "if i work harder, the harder i will regret it when i fail."
I wont make any friend anymore because "i will feel bad if there's nobody with we if im in trouble".So it is better to be alone from the start.
I wont fall in love again since "there's no point on it".
I wont devote myself anymore since "all my past prayers hvent been answered".
I become someone who was very negative but i know that i still need to move forward.
And it's been 3 years since then. And everything didn't go as i planned.
Eventhough i said i wont put effort on my study anymore.., when i thought abt my ego to prove my pride as a man to that person, and everytime i call my mother... i start to put all my efforts and try to be the best here. Without i realise it, i start to aim for my own goal. For my future. And i realise that - it's not that i work hard and failed in study make regret it. It's that i did not work hard enough that i failed. So this time i say to my self, work harder so u wont regret it even if u fail again.
Eventhough i said i wont fall in love with anyone anymore but then i cannot help myself from fall it very hard for someone. I just saw that person in the hall and doesnt even knw anything abt her yet why those feeling come? Why it must be her? Why these kind of feeling exist ? That was very tricky questions from myself to myself. But it's prove that somehow i manage to put my past behind and move to the front. So i glad i can fall in love again even though it was just one sided. Well i dnt blame anyone. Of course it's just one side, what's to expect?
And i also promised myself to keep myself alone and stop being friend because im afraid it will be a pretending friend. At first whenever i get close with someone during mds, im not sure what im doing..but then i met him. All that moment still fresh in my mind. There's someone im looking for in the hall because he share name with mine in class list and surprisely he was below my seat or can be said below my ass. At that time, i was just like "i want to be friend with him". I really said that to my ownself. I dnt wnt to trust people but somehow i want to trust him. And everything started there. Without i realised it, i opened my heart again to people. It maybe his personalities that make me open to others around him.. so im glad i have make decision to trust him. And i start to knw others and fall in love for every of them.. not in a gay way... somehow i manage to get rid out of my stand alone complexity. i realised these people are the one who wont abandon their friends. These past 3 years with them are the best moment for me, and to think we only have 1 year left, make me sad.
During these past years, i thought if i dnt devote myself, i still can be happy.. but then it's not. It is just make me feel so much sins. It's not that i dont realised it, i just stupid. Who am i to asking the God's plan? And i saw clearly now that His plans are much more better than mine. If i havent fail before, i wont meet these wonderful people around me right now. Maybe people cnnt see it but i tried my best to clear my heart again.
Then..these 3 years was not for nothing. slowly my ownself is being build again. The one that help me pick up every pieces of my past self to this point are these people around me.
I knw these kind of thinking is just my complexity and i dnt expect people to understand it. It's enough for my ownself to understand it and take it like that.

Those broken pieces, are being picked up one by one and i knw it's still not enough and hve a long way for me to have them all fixed. But i'll try my best. After all, life is a journey

Di kampus induk itu

Cerita pahitku
Mengheret ku ke lembah pengasingan ,
Gelincir hatiku
Tersesat ku di negri pelarian ,
Melayang dadaku
Terhempas ku di tanjung pengakhiran ,
Topeng senyumku
Penafian ku di tiap pertemuan .

Kerna ,
Hidupku, bukanlah lagi sinar sang mentari
Hatiku, tak siapa sedar sudah pun malam
Jariku, bukanlah lagi jari yang menari
Jiwaku, tak siapa sedar sudah pun padam .

Namun,
Di kampus induk itu ,
Di dewan padat itu ,
Di baris tepi itu ,
Di hujung tangga itu ,
Ditanggal topeng itu.

Teguran salammu
Terpautku di jaring persahabatan ,
Sinaran bulanmu
Terdongak ku ke langit kenyataan ,
Tanpa sadarmu
Memikul ku ke teluk permulaan ,
Wajah senyihmu
Penafsiran ku di tiap pertemuan .

Kerna ,
Hidupku, bukanlah lagi bayang sang mentari
Hatiku, tak pernah pun sedar bebintang malam
Jantungku, menjadi degup jantung yang berlari
Jiwaku, yang akhirnya sedar indahnya malam


Di kampus induk ini ,
Di dewan padat ini ,
Di baris tepi ini ,
Di hujung tangga ini ,
Dicabut topeng ini.

Flashing Light

There is beautiful moon
There are pretty stars
But I chose the wrong location
Now my eyes only getting hurt
by flashing light of street lamps
Aahh I should move now

There is beautiful girl
There are pretty words
But I chose the wrong relation
Now my heart only getting hurt
by flashing back all those times
Aahh I should move on

Hyouka - I scream (2014)

"It's alright" "I'm fine"
The words come out so lightly,
I wonder, when will you be honest?
Being honest hurts?
All your own feelings were abandoned.

"I don't need anyone, I can still be happy"
"I don't need anyone, I am tough"
You still cry., far and beyond.

Of course you want to shout,
"Understand me" "Help me" "Find me"
I wonder why your voice had never
harmonized in anyone's ears.

As you lie the meaning of your unspoken words,
You never have guts to face me
Remembering me is a horrible thing , you said.

I wonder, when will you face me again?
Right, you're afraid to see me,
Once ago,
You used to be like me,
Screaming , crying , shouting ,
Even still,
It did not reach anyone's ears,
It never stop at anyone's eyes.

That's right,
That's the reason why I was abandoned here,
I wonder when will you stop lying,
I wonder when will you face me again,
I wonder when can we stop believing that :
  "No one ever understand me"

Furious Rain

Dark Cloud...
You stood still ,
Because you cannot step forward
A Furious Rain ,
Without mercy challenging you with their shooting bullets

Disappointed...
You cry again ,
As the water in clogged drain start to flow
You're wondering ,
Would these feeling goes away as these tears flow away

Afraid...
You can't move ,
Because you know what fall is like
A Fallen Warrior ,
Once was down after being shot by thousand of arrows

But hey, everybody afraid of their unseen future
But hey, because of that, the more reasons to look forward

Umbrella...
Hold it firm ,
Surely won't stop the furious rain
But with it ,
You can face forward in rainy day without being wet

Confident...
Wear it out ,
Surely won't bring you the success
But with it ,
You will have strength to face any challenges fired on you

Darkroom

You cling to yourself in that room, hug your knee to your chest.
Waiting for someone to save you from that dark room.
An empty room that exist nothing but you and the darkness.
You wait. And hope.

Yet blaming everyone.

Do you know why that door would never be opened?
    Cause you lock the door by your own hands.
    With keylock hides under your own hands.
    When they knock it on to reach your hands,
    You just block your ears with both your hands.

Yet blaming everyone.

That door that separates light and darkness, only can be opened from inside.
You must change yourself, only then your fate can be changed.