No matter how well I try to pick up every pieces of my ownself for these past three years, i feel there's still not enough to build the me again. Family expection, faith, friends, love & life itself, all of them were broken.
Since i was a kid, i decided to help my family. To change our life. I didnt want to see them work too hard anymore. To wake up at mid night, preaparing food & kuih2 to be sold at the morning and evening. I want them to have a break & an enough sleep just like other people. I dnt want them to worry about money anymore. I even gave up my dream to be a cartoonist and chose another passion toward science things since it has more promising future. Since then i worked really hard. More than anyone. I kept myself from causing trouble to my family. I was motivated by a lot of stories abt successful people who came from poor family. I thought i want to be like them too. So i gave all my efforts and pray to God. And i thought all of them going well. But reality hit me really hard. All things that i tried to build were broken..three years ago. I did my best but still fail in my study.and it lead to everything.
I gave my parent an expectation but then i failed it miserably. I cannot face them and put myself in room alone but they just act natural & didnt even talk abt my study just to comfort this failure guy.
I wonder where did i do wrong. Where did all my prayers go? Why other people who do sins able to lead a happy life? Why everything i hold was taken? I asked what the point im being a good person since kid.. then it's okay if stop devoting myself? Is it really okay? i even questining everything to the point i hate myself more and more. I was totally lost in everything.
And during that kind of time, i need someone who saw all my efforts to really be on my side . But then that person finally gone. And im stupidly just let her go. I thought who want a loser like me anywy.
I keep all myself. And i thought where were all my other friends during those time. Though the truth was im too afraid and I didnt knw how to spell all my trouble to them at all. I kept it alone, and kept it until i reached a breaking point.
I thought my very own life itself already end. At that time, i cannot move forward anymore. A great amount of money, efforts & times already used but i still failed. So is it okay to just end it..? Is it okay just to die? What abt my family then..?
At that very time, i found a letter hiding in my dad's locker. It's a RM45 000 debt letter i have with ---- bcause i fail my study halfway and it asked us to pay it at once just as the contract said before. And i cried very hard that time. Nobody told me that letter already came. My dad kept it from me so i wont feel guilty or terrible. I dnt knw how long i cried alone in my room that time. I tought i hve been acting tough in front of them to make them not worry but actually they are the one who act tough in front of me to make me not worry.
And promised myself to do something abt that. Eventhough all applications to try continue my study in local universities have been turned down and i only got chance to continue in ipts which i knw i cannot afford for it.... so i tried to apply directly with the authorities of local universities. I've been insulted and laughed when i told about my previous study things. But it's okay.. people love to see other's failure. And the only university that give a good respond was uitm.
At that time, i was still in pieces. Still lost my own self. But i just keep going. Some people said, keep walking on even though u give up. That exactly what i am 3 years ago. I dont hve any confident in my future and life anymore but somehow i need to move forward. First because continue my study can stop the debt collecting thing a while and second because i want to prove to that person. When i failed my study, she went abroad to continue her study. I knw i already move on when i let her go but my ego as a man say i need to become at least the best student in my new university so i can take another stair's step to be on her level.
So, after all, im not someone that other people have thought. Something like - i really want be engineer or be in an elite class. I dont look up to take that kind of future anymore because i was already not my ownself. I promised myself not to get involve with anything. Just do my own stuff and dont expect anybody. I wont put any efforts on study anymore since i realised that a good result wont be any help in the future and "if i work harder, the harder i will regret it when i fail."
I wont make any friend anymore because "i will feel bad if there's nobody with we if im in trouble".So it is better to be alone from the start.
I wont fall in love again since "there's no point on it".
I wont devote myself anymore since "all my past prayers hvent been answered".
I become someone who was very negative but i know that i still need to move forward.
And it's been 3 years since then. And everything didn't go as i planned.
Eventhough i said i wont put effort on my study anymore.., when i thought abt my ego to prove my pride as a man to that person, and everytime i call my mother... i start to put all my efforts and try to be the best here. Without i realise it, i start to aim for my own goal. For my future. And i realise that - it's not that i work hard and failed in study make regret it. It's that i did not work hard enough that i failed. So this time i say to my self, work harder so u wont regret it even if u fail again.
Eventhough i said i wont fall in love with anyone anymore but then i cannot help myself from fall it very hard for someone. I just saw that person in the hall and doesnt even knw anything abt her yet why those feeling come? Why it must be her? Why these kind of feeling exist ? That was very tricky questions from myself to myself. But it's prove that somehow i manage to put my past behind and move to the front. So i glad i can fall in love again even though it was just one sided. Well i dnt blame anyone. Of course it's just one side, what's to expect?
And i also promised myself to keep myself alone and stop being friend because im afraid it will be a pretending friend. At first whenever i get close with someone during mds, im not sure what im doing..but then i met him. All that moment still fresh in my mind. There's someone im looking for in the hall because he share name with mine in class list and surprisely he was below my seat or can be said below my ass. At that time, i was just like "i want to be friend with him". I really said that to my ownself. I dnt wnt to trust people but somehow i want to trust him. And everything started there. Without i realised it, i opened my heart again to people. It maybe his personalities that make me open to others around him.. so im glad i have make decision to trust him. And i start to knw others and fall in love for every of them.. not in a gay way... somehow i manage to get rid out of my stand alone complexity. i realised these people are the one who wont abandon their friends. These past 3 years with them are the best moment for me, and to think we only have 1 year left, make me sad.
During these past years, i thought if i dnt devote myself, i still can be happy.. but then it's not. It is just make me feel so much sins. It's not that i dont realised it, i just stupid. Who am i to asking the God's plan? And i saw clearly now that His plans are much more better than mine. If i havent fail before, i wont meet these wonderful people around me right now. Maybe people cnnt see it but i tried my best to clear my heart again.
Then..these 3 years was not for nothing. slowly my ownself is being build again. The one that help me pick up every pieces of my past self to this point are these people around me.
I knw these kind of thinking is just my complexity and i dnt expect people to understand it. It's enough for my ownself to understand it and take it like that.
Those broken pieces, are being picked up one by one and i knw it's still not enough and hve a long way for me to have them all fixed. But i'll try my best. After all, life is a journey